As a depressed person, I know how hard it is to smile sometimes. But when I'm down, occasionally someone tells me a joke, or says something which makes me smile or laugh. And I feel much better after that! So here I have collected some of these things, and will add more as I go along, in the hopes that it might also brighten someone else's day.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
*Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
*Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
*Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
*Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
*Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
*Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
*Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
*Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
*Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
*Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
*Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
*Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
*Chihuahua: No cambiar? la bombilla. No cambiar? la bombilla. No cambiar? la bombilla. No cambiar? la bombilla. No cambiar? la bombilla.
*Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
*Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
*Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
*Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
*Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Further To The Closing Ceremony - More Tacky Australian-isms
Guide for Olympic visitors:
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
24. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
26. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
28. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
32. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
15 Things To Remember
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't know even exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
13. Always remember complements you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they're great.
Wonderful Incidents: Lessons to live by.
The Important Things Life Teaches You...
1 ~ Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz.
I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2 ~ Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a
lashing rain storm.
Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her-generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.
The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole
3 ~ Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A
waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.
"How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway.
Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.
The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.
5 ~ Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering
from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old
brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister an smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking far an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?