WRITTEN FOR PEOPLE I HAVE LOVED
Yes, I know, there are rather a lot of them... I'm not gonna name names, I sent a copy to most of the people in question.
I sit alone on a stormy night,
Watching lightning in the sky.
A lonely tear rolls down my cheek,
As I pray for the day when we should meet,
Aware of the lonliness that surrounds me,
So empty without your company.
Crying for the years ahead,
Curled up quietly on my bed,
Listening to Mozart's clarinet,
Your words to me I wont forget.
I wipe the tears from my face
And long to feel your strong embrace.
I feel so good, and yet so sad,
As I contemplate the love we have.
You eyes burn into me like red hot coals,
You steal my heart, my mind, my soul.
My life is yours, do what you will,
Though we are far apart, I will love you still.
You know you mean the world to me,
This is more than just a game.
I cannot live without your love,
I know you feel the same.
So while you hold me close to you,
With every hungry kiss,
I'll tell you what you mean to me,
And you will remember this.
Like a knife in the heart, your words hit me,
Whist we were apart, I longed for your company.
Yet now I find you no longer care.
Someone else on your mind, I find this unfair.
I waited faithfully, I trusted you.
You betrayed me, and broke my heart in two.
I watch from the corner of my eye
As you walk along beside me.
I wonder what you're thinking,
Your expression an impenetrable shield,
Gives me no clues.
Maybe you are thinking
How much you want to hold me.
Or maybe you are thinking of the weather.
To know what you are thinking
Would answer many questions,
But if you're thinking what I'm thinking,
It would ease my troubled heart.
I thought I'd found true love at last
After many lonely years
Alas, you made me trust my heart
And left me alone in tears.
"'Tis just a game, you foolish child"
Each word the stab of a knife.
You played with my heart,
I lost my hope
Of happiness in life.
If only we could turn back time,
Remember how it was back then?
I'd be yours, and you'd be mine
Were we to do it all again
Hope and fear were in my heart,
Us both a bit unsure.
Time it pulled us far apart,
Fate, it locked the door.
Now I look to you my friend,
And wonder what could have been,
If things were different in the end,
Possibilities not unseen.
How can I explain to you
The way you make me feel?
These feelings start to scare me,
I know they're very real.
Unplanned and spontaneous,
It started as a game.
Somehow I got my heart involved,
I think you did the same.
I wonder if this thing will last,
I wonder what we'll do.
I hope you'll help me understand
The way I feel for you
What I see when I look at you,
Is a man both gentle and kind.
And if I look even closer,
Only good things will I find.
And yet you live so far away,
So long until we'll meet.
I wonder where this love comes from
That I feel with such heat.
I know one day I'll feel the warmth
Of your body against my own.
Would that it would happen soon,
I'd know happiness I've never known.
Why are you lonely, my dear friend?
And for that matter, why am I?
This rejection we both know so well,
It makes me want to cry.
It feels like we're the only ones,
Cursed and left alone.
Clinging together for comfort,
Our affection clearly shown.
I enjoy the time I spend with you,
And as I feel you take my hand,
We share the love without the heartache
That relationships demand.
I'm glad to have you as my friend,
And one day soon I'm sure,
If we haven't found true love by then,
Our friendship will become more
I'm truly sad to see you leave,
Our time together very brief.
Meant only as a bit of fun,
And yet I find you are the one
Whose presence lifts my shadowed heart.
We'll always be so far apart.
I dearly hope I'll not forget
The fun we had that time we met.
And perhaps one day we'll meet again.
'Till then, please keep in touch, my friend.
I hope one day you understand
The pain you made me feel.
And with it, fear goes hand in hand
That I may never heal.
And the saddest thing about this pain,
Is that it could have been avoided.
My wounded heart won't be the same
Since your lack of though destroyed it.
I see so much of myself in you,
And more that I want to be.
It's hard to make myself believe
That you might not be the one for me.
So far away from me you live,
And one day farther still.
I must stop wishing you were always here,
But I somehow doubt I will.
You're such a joy to be around,
I'm somewhat smitten, it's true.
But please help me do all I can
Not to fall in love with you.
Why am I so frightened?
Why am I so scared?
Why can't I stop these thoughts of you
Which always fill my head?
I'm afraid that you'll reject me,
Now my feelings are on view.
I know that I'm unworthy
Of one so wonderful as you.
So tell it to me softly,
Tell me why it cannot be.
Or accept me, love me, help create
A content and happy me.
Sometimes these days I find myself
Singing your name aloud
Memories of times together
Feels like floating on a cloud
Of pleasure, happiness and bliss
I cherished every hug and kiss.
And now I wish you'd let me know
How you really felt for me
And though I love you with all my heart
Why could it never be?
Why can't such love and happiness
Exist for you and me?
WRITTEN FOR OTHERS
Friends, family and others who are/were in my life.
You just don't understand
How I really feel.
You pretend you do,
But I know you don't.
You just don't see
How hard the world is,
You don't see how much I hate you.
You laugh it off.
But my contempt for you burns
Like an infinite black flame.
One day, you'll see.
So many times have I fallen in love,
Never was it meant to be.
Always something breaks my heart,
Perhaps love is not for me.
Happy couples walking past,
A painful thorn within my heart.
They look so happy
I feel so sad.
They have the one thing I'll never have.
And now, you see, I've given up,
At the young age of sixteen.
Sick of hurt and tired of heartache,
Yet so little have I seen.
My eyes are dry, no tears to cry,
I've cried them all before.
The fact that there are no more left
Saddens me all the more.
There is no-one for me,
Why can't I see,
That this is the way that it must be,
Damned to lonliness for eternity.
One day I hope I'll find the one
Who'll take me in his arms,
Whisper sweet things in my ears,
Seduce me with his charms.
And never leave me on my own,
As so many other have done,
With only my lonliness to bemoan.
Could you be that one?
I feel so lonely I should die,
Abandoned 'neath this starry sky.
For what reason I shall never know,
My empty heart, it pains me so.
There's nowhere else for me to go.
I sense your presence drawing near,
Your kindly calming words I hear
Do not placate; they cause me fear.
For should I fall in love with you,
And be refused, my life is through.
And I shall be forever blue
Why do I feel this sadness
That drives me to despair?
When I need to talk or hug,
There's never someone there.
I'm not important, no big deal,
I'll be fine... I doubt it.
These wounds of mine will never heal
If I can't talk about it.
Every day I'm asking why,
My life's so bad, it makes me cry,
And sometimes wish that I would die.
I breathe another tearful sigh,
And once again, I'm asking 'why?'.
What is true love?
Will I never know?
Alone and abandoned,
Why is this so?
Never to feel
The touch of a hand.
This emotion called love,
I don't understand.
As much as I hope,
As much as I try,
I'll never be loved
And never know why.
K is for Kathryn, that is my name.
A is for Alone, causing me pain.
T is for Tragic, that's my life so far.
H is for Hurtful, as many things are.
R is for Ruined, that is my heart.
Y is for Yearning for good times to start.
N is for Never be happy again.
These are the things that make up my name.
How I wish that I could fly,
Flee my troubles, take to the sky.
A tear tickles from my eye
When I thought I'd lost the need to cry.
Always alone, I wonder why
Isntead of escaping, I want to die.
Where are you?
You who would take this knife from my hand,
Kiss the wounds I have made in despair.
Hide the pills I'd take too many of,
Or pull me back from the edge of the highway
Where I await the next fast truck to take my life.
Who are you?
You who would hold me,
Hide me from the harsh cold world outside.
Dry my tears, make me smile,
Take away from me this wish to die.
There is an animal crouched inside.
This human body, just a shell
Which hides the beast within.
The beast which makes us meow,
Or growl or hiss,
Or nuzzle people, or bite their legs.
Because of this shell,
Those without the inner beast,
Avoid us, though they would not
Avoid a cat or a dog, or a person.
But avoid us who are a mixture of both.
So much pain.
Drowning out the happiness,
Of which I have so little.
If only there were an end
To this endless suffering,
Which I face day after day,
No respite on even the furthest horizon.
Every day full of unhappiness and pain,
Knowing that the next day,
The next thousand days and beyond,
Will all be the same.
Day after day of pain,
Drowning out the happiness,
Of which I have so little.
I must always stay alone
For I know it's so unfair
To want someone here with me
To comfort me and care
When I care for so few or none
And much less for myself
Why should I deserve the love
Enjoyed by everybody else?
So should I bid you hold me close,
Tell me to go away.
Remind me I'm not worthy of you
And send me on my way.
For once in this mad world
Life becomes clear again.
I have a sense of purpose,
A wish to create order
In all that has become chaos.
Problems are not insurmountable.
I feel free!
How much this time will I achieve
Before sinking into my gloomy depths again?